


Nun The Weiser

by Bloom450



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Comedy, Gen, Modern Era, One Shot, Trainwreck, allen walker is a little ho, this is a trainwreck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-27 01:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12570404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bloom450/pseuds/Bloom450
Summary: After unwittingly going along with Lavi’s innocent idea of dressing up as nuns for the Order’s Halloween party, Allen and the group find themselves in almost every teenage movie cliché.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is split up into 3 chapters because this went 30 pages over expectation, so its just split up for ease of reading.
> 
> Thanks to my friend, for giving me... so so many one liners that made it into this
> 
> to the rest of you, Happy Halloween

Kanda woke up to the sound of tourists chattering about on the beachside streets, their voices floating up to his room. His head was throbbing as he sat up in his bed. When he his eyes finally managed to adjust to the light in the room, he saw it: candy was scattered across the floor along with McDonalds’ wrappers, the remnants of last night, 

Lavi lay on the floor. His nun outfit was surprisingly not riding up as he used the now deflated inflatable breast as a pillow. Allen, on the other hand, was face down on the wood floor; skirt hiked up past his ass much to Kanda’s general displeasure. Link, passed out, was clinging to the wall on the other side of the bed. . Why were they all in nun costumes? At least he wasn’t wearing on- Kanda looked down only to see a long black dress on his body, and as he moved his hand up to his neck he felt the collar. He was wearing one, too. The habit that supposedly went with it was still on his pillow. Why were they all nuns?

Kanda laid back in bed, putting his hands on his eyes and rubbing them. His face was sticky, the feeling of sweat and dirt that had been sitting for far too long on his face. He pulled his hand away from his face only to see a blue powder and glitter stuck to his hand. Was that…Makeup? Alma…Of course. He wiped his hand on the sheets knowing he would wash them later. Kanda tried to remember what had exactly happened the night before. He pulled his phone out from somewhere under the bed and turned on the screen, flinching at the brightness before turning it down. It was noon, November first…last night was Halloween. 

“Oh, for the love of…” Kanda muttered.

A groan came from the floor. Kanda looked over only to see Link slowly lifting himself off the floor, clutching his head. The habit had fallen off his head sometime in the night. His braid was falling apart, frizzed out and tangled.

“Inspector…” Kanda hissed out.

Link looked over, looking more dazed and confused than ever. The gold haired man looked down at what he was wearing. 

“I’m going to fucking kill Walker.”

Kanda held back some form of laughter; he had never heard the Inspector swear before.

“I’m going to go vomit, hold any snark until later,” Link said struggling to stand up and walk to the bathroom in the room, closing the door behind him.

Kanda grumbled slightly laying back only to shoot right back up. He remembered some of the events that led up to last night.

It had started two weeks ago with the invitations to the Order’s company Halloween party, and Lavi having decided that they should all go together as a group.

October sixteenth, after classes ended for the day, Kanda had been unwillingly dragged to the mall by Lavi and the rest. It wasn’t like he had much of a choice but to go along with it. A pop up shop had been set up for the season, and had been there since sometime in the middle of September. A Halloween store - Spirit Halloween.

“Okay what should we be?” Lenalee asked, looking a little dismayed at all the ‘sexy’ female costumes, with Alma sharing a similar expression of concern only to pull a bunny girl outfit off the rack and push it towards Kanda, who immediately felt the blood rush to his face.

“Put it back,” Kanda hissed. 

“No, I might get this and you can see me in it later,” Alma laughed, giving a wink before returning to the aisle and putting the costume back in its place.

Lavi and Allen snickered as Kanda shot them a glare.

“Please don’t,” was Kanda’s response to Alma who stuck their tongue out at him.

“Hey, we could be Avenger,” Lavi started.

“I’m not being Black widow.” Lenalee said automatically.

“Link could be Thor,” Allen laughed. Link rolled his eyes. He had become Allen’s shadow after a few short weeks, and seemingly melted into the background of the group only to be brought up when he could be harassed.

“Or could be the actual Black Widow with all his CROW skills,” Lavi muttered looking through the costumes.

“What about making Big Hero 6 costumes?” Alma suggested.

“That movie’s not even out, though,” Lavi protested. “Plus what are we going to do? Bribe Johnny to make them for us?”

“Oh… no, you’re right…” Alma said looking through the racks upon racks of costumes.

Lavi turned a corner into a new aisle, and a menacing smile came over his face.

Kanda knew that face, the face of a horrible idea.

“Guys, I know exactly what we’re being,” Lavi said before holding up a scantily clad nun costume.

Link almost short-circuited on the spot. 

“Absolutely not,” Kanda said.

“I’m not being a sexy nun,” Lenalee said.

“How about sexy scho-“ Lavi began.

“I’m not being a sexy anything,” Lenalee snapped. “ First, If Komui sees me, I’ll be forced to change, I won’t even be able to argue; he’ll just send me home. Second, all of you will die.”

“I mean considering how short these skirts are, I think even you would have a problem,” Allen said holding up one of the costumes.

“Oh god, my ass would be hanging out even with shorts,” Lenalee said walking over to the costume aisle where Allen and Lavi stood. 

“The only thing mildly acceptable is the actual fake nun one, and even still I think the order would kill all of us.”

“Okay, I care more about my ass hanging out of the dress than I care about the order scolding us for defiling their religious beliefs,” Alma said picking out one of the costumes. “ Lavi, if you want to be a solo nun I’ll support you. Yuu, you’d make a pretty nun.”

“I’ll leave."

“Boo! You stick in the mud! I bet even Howard would!” Alma protested.

“I’m not dressing up at all,” Link hissed.

“They make a lovely pair don’t they, Alma,” Allen teased, a snide smirk growing across his face only to have his hand raise to cover it like a gossiping socialite.  
“Yea, but I don’t think they’ll be able to shove anymore sticks up their butts.” Alma replied, only to have Lavi start to sputter behind them and Lenalee hiding her smile in her hand.

Kanda’s frown only grew larger, and Link simply sighed.

“Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I like the nun idea,” Alma admitted. 

“I liked the idea to begin with,” Allen piped up. “I’d like to see Lavi as a nun.”

“Allen!” Lavi shouted feeling betrayed. “If you guys don’t want to be nuns, we can be dicks and vaginas.” He pulled the giant penis costume off the rack.

“Lavi…” Allen said, sounding a little disappointed to begin with,” Kanda doesn’t need it, he’s already a giant dick.”

That had been the last straw, and everyone knew it. Alma automatically got in front of Allen, grabbing onto Kanda who seemed more than fully determined to punch Allen in his face, even if Alma wouldn't move out of his way.

“Yuu, let’s not get kicked out of the mall this week, please.”

“Let me punch the beansprout!” Kanda yelled out, probably louder than he should have.

“My name’s Allen!” the white haired boy shouted, trying to charge forward only to be held back by Lavi.

Kanda waited until Allen was close enough, pretending to back off only to catch Alma off guard, swinging his fist over Alma’s shoulder to deck Allen in the face.

After a bit of yelling and screaming from both of them, the rent-a-cop had been called and once again the group had been asked to leave the mall. They were never banned from the mall because nothing was ever damaged,yet they were still asked to leave the mall grounds. 

They had ended up at Allen’s house after that to plan for Halloween. Lavi sat on the step to the living room, looking into the kitchen. Lenalee, Alma, and Kanda sat around the kitchen table, with Link having roped Allen into helping him make up some snacks for everyone, even though Link spent more time scolding Allen for eating instead of actually cooking. what he was cooking with.

“Okay Lavi, I think I’ve thought of a compromise to our costume situation,” Alma started, a smile on their face.

“Oh, I’m intrigued, Karma. What compromise?” Lavi asked, standing and walking over to the kitchen table before slamming his hands down, acting like this was something much more serious than it was.

“We’ll be nuns. But,” Alma paused, “the only one who will be nuns will be…hmm, you, Allen, Kanda and Link!”

“I refuse,” Link said, looking over at the group as Allen shoved a finger sandwich into his mouth behind his back.

“Fine,” Alma prompted much less amused now. “Lavi, Kanda and Allen will be nuns.”

“And?” Lavi asked.

“And Lenalee and I will wear priest costumes.” Alma said.

“I guess that’s something,” Lenalee muttered.

“No dice. Why do we only have to wear something ridiculous? All or nothing, Karma,” Lavi said.

“The priest costume with the fake erection.”

Lenalee has mistakenly chosen to take a drink and almost choked.

“Alma!” she shouted, clearly trying not to laugh.

“Deal,” Lavi said eagerly, grinning widely.

“I’m not being a nun,” Kanda said simply.

Alma pouted before scooting closer to him.

“Hey…” they said before leaning close to Kanda’s ear, and, to Lavi’s surprise, Kanda didn’t pull away. Alma covered their mouth to stop anyone from hearing. Lavi could only see Kanda’s eyes widen slightly as Alma lowered their hand and Kanda whirled to look them in the eye.

“I get to pick which costume I wear,” Kanda said quickly.

“Fine. Deal?” Alma asked.

“Deal.”

“Excuse me, what?” Lavi asked sitting down next to Lenalee, his back turned to the kitchen counter.

“Mind your own business, Rabbit,” Kanda threatened as Alma went back to the place they had been sitting.

“Wait, Lavi, you know you have to pay me to put on a skirt,” Allen said leaning across the kitchen counter.

“Oh come on! You said this was a great idea in the car!” Lavi complained, craning his head back only to realize he was far too close to Allen’s face.

“It’s a great idea yes, but my fees still apply,” Allen said. “A hundred dollars for the skimpy nun outfit.”

“Fuck no! Allen, come on! It’s Halloween!” Lavi protested.

“Fine. Fifty dollars.” Allen said smiling.

“Do you know how much porn I could buy with fifty dollars? No,” Lavi said. “Ten dollars and three burgers from In-N-Out.”

“And three shakes to go with each burger,” Allen said.

“Absolutely.” Lavi said. “All of your choice.”

“Sold. Thank you for doing business,” Allen said before sliding from the counter and back into the kitchen.

“You’re all horrible human beings,” Link said, stacking all the food on a dish and setting it in front of the group.

~

Halloween approached and the costumes were bought, Lavi not even bothering to give Allen a warning before he showed up. His convertible had pulled up with Lenalee in the passenger’s seat, and a few seconds later Alma and Kanda were dropped off by Tiedoll, Allen spotting them from his window before they even got out of the car.

Lavi didn’t even bother to knock when he spotted Allen laughing as Kanda and Alma got dropped off. Bursting through the door only to hand Allen a Starbucks cup

“What’s this for?” Allen asked, trying not to fumble and spill the drink onto Cross’s wood floors, because that would be instant death. “We’re just going to the Order’s party.”

“Yea, but just in case, everyone gets coffee so no one sissies out.” Lavi said. Walking over to Link and placing a cup in his hand. The blonde gave a confused look. “You too, Two-Dot.”

Please stop calling me that, Lavi,” Link sighed, despite accepting the coffee anyway.

“Yo ho! Are we ready for the costumes?” Alma called out excitedly, quickly taking a coffee from the tray Lenalee held.

“Did you bring them?” Lenalee asked, trying to peer into the shopping bag Alma had off hanging of their arm.

They smiled. “Of course! And I brought a special surprise!”

“Sorry for making you get them, Alma,” Lavi said. 

“  
“No problem, just make sure to pay up!” Alma said smiling, opening the bag and pulling out two priest costumes.

Kanda had sat himself on the couch and waited for the humiliation to begin. He took the last remaining Starbucks cup that wasn’t covered lipstick and brought it up to his lips and automatically he knew, black coffee…Lavi had something up his sleeve. “What exactly are we doing?”

“Going to the Order’s Halloween party; what else?” Lavi said, taking the bag from Alma before smirking at Kanda.

“I don’t believe you,” Kanda glowered at him.

“Well, while you guys interrogate Lavi, we’re going to go up and change in Allen’s room,” Lenalee said, heading for the stairs. 

“We’ll yell when we start coming down, so don’t worry about anyone seeing you in your tidy whities.” Alma snickered. 

“It’s not like we don’t see enough of their asses anyway…” Lenalee practically yelled as she turned the corner and into the kitchen.

Alma smirked. “Well everyone’s except the Inspector’s.”

“Hey!” Link protested.

“Don’t worry! It’s not that great!” Allen yelled after them.

Link was beet red with anger and embarrassment. “When have you seen my rear?”

“I had to pee and you left the curtain wide open, so while I was walking to the toilet I saw it,” Allen said completely nonchalant.

“Why didn’t you just go downstairs?!” Link yelled, his face still flustered.

“It was six in the morning and going downstairs involved putting on trousers,” Allen replied, taking the nun costume Lavi handed to him.

“Why couldn’t you have just gone down in your underwear, assuming, that is, you were wearing any,” Lavi asked, taking a giant chug from the paper coffee cup.

“I wear underwear! It’s not like I can sleep naked with Link sleeping in my room.” Allen’s fingers skillfully unclasped the plastic packaging and pulled out the extremely short nun costume, watching Lavi pulled his own costume out of its bag. “ Besides, if I go down in nothing but pants, Cross will kill me. So peeing while Link’s in the shower is honestly the lesser of everything, even if he’s mad at me…Wow Lavi, that costume’s going to be huge on you.”

Lavi smirked and pulled out a package of inflatable boobs. “Think again, sucker!”

“Holy shit, Lavi…You wouldn’t pay me fifty bucks but you’d spend it on fake breasts?” Allen snickered.

“I still owe you In-N-Out, is this really the fight you want to have?” Lavi asked, yanking off his shirt and undoing his pants before letting them fall to the floor of the living room. “Okay… now to have breasts for once in my life.”

“Cause you can never get any on your own?” Kanda asked leaving his tone unchanged.

“Ha-ha, very funny.” Lavi responded between the breaths while blowing the pair of volleyballs up.

Allen had likewise stripped and had begun to figure how exactly he was supposed to put on the nun uniform. 

Kanda got up reluctantly and took his costume out of the shopping bag only to see an extra nun outfit. His eyes darted to Link and felt a horrible smirk come over his face.

Lavi had clipped the inflatable breasts onto his torso before he pulled the nun dress over his head and over the beach balls attached to his chest.

Allen had managed to get his costume on, and was now feeling his own ass. After a moment, he turned to stare at Lavi. “I think we have to tuck…”

“Please never say that with that face again,” Lavi was completely deadpan as if a part of him has just died.

“What face?” Allen asked, looking genuinely confused.

“That completely serious one,” Lavi replied. “Just put on briefs. I think there’s enough fabric to cover our dicks that we really don’t need to worry… I just need to hike up my boxers a little. It’s Halloween, we’re not entering a drag contest. I don’t think a little bulge will throw us off that much.”

“I don’t know about a little…” Allen muttered.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Kanda and Link said almost in unison. 

“Shut up!” Allen yelled. “It’s not like you’re both any bigger!”

“Did you see Link’s when he was in the shower?” Lavi asked, only to get a pillow thrown in his face.

Kanda hid a smirk by slowly changing into the dreadful costume. At least it wasn’t a slutty nun like the Beansprout and Rabbit over there. He managed to pull on the long dress, feeling the itchy fabric on his body. 

“Wow no one had to force you into it…” Lavi said.

“I have a deal with Alma. If I don’t do it, Alma won’t keep their end of the deal,” Kanda simply said, reluctantly removing his hair tie.

“Ah, the deal you won’t tell us about,” Lavi said as Allen went off to somewhere in the house.

“Because it’s none of your fucking business.”

“Is it about sex?” Lavi asked only to get almost punched, barely keeping Kanda back by grabbing his arms. “Allen! Allen, help! Link, please!”

“You brought that on yourself,” Allen teasingly called, his voice coming from the kitchen.

“I’m here to observe Walker, not to stop your petty fight.” Link replied.

“Link, do we have any of those cheese balls left?” Allen yelled from the kitchen. Link rolled his eyes, shoulders visibly slumping as he lifted himself off the couch. 

“If you would put things back in their places when you finished eating them, then you wouldn’t be asking this question I swea….” Link’s voice faded out into indistinct scolding.

Lavi managed to pull Kanda off him and scramble away, dodging any blow that was coming his way. Without Kanda bothering to pursue an actual fight, Lavi pulled up the fishnets that went to his costume. He was about to try on the heels for the costume when an undignified scream came from the kitchen.

Lavi and Kanda both craned their necks to see Link running from the kitchen and down the other hallway, his pants completely missing from his legs. 

 

Immediately Allen struggled to skid to a stop, Link’s pants grasped firmly in one hand. He locked eyes with Lavi and Kanda and shouted.  
“Stop him!”

At once, Lavi bolted, chasing after Link into one of the adjacent rooms. The sounds of a fight broke instantly after Lavi had disappeared behind a walL. Kanda walked down the hallway, he heard the sound of someone being tackled to the floor, followed by more screaming. Kanda looked down the hall into the piano room to see Link under Lavi and Allen, trying to fight them off and keep them from stripping him of every piece of clothing he had on. By now, Link was only wearing a shirt and was clinging to his boxers.

“Hey, are you boys ready yet?” Lenalee called down.

“Yea!” Allen called out. Kanda could feel himself getting whiplash from how fast his head turned to stare at the other three, who looked like the start of a bad porno.

The color draining from Link’s face as he screamed, “No!” and barely managed to shove Lavi off him, pushing him into Allen, catching the white haired boy off guard. The blonde man’s shirt fell off, lying crumpled next to Lavi who was cackling on the floor. 

Link scrambled towards the guest bathroom, and just as he attempted to reach the door, Allen tripped him, managing to grab ahold of his underwear before the door slammed shut, leaving Allen on the floor holding Link’s boxers. Lenalee and Alma got down the stairs too late to see the crime that had just been committed.Stepping into the room both of them only saw Allen, sitting on his has holding a striped pair of boxers that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere, practically struggling to breath because of how hard he was laughing.

“What’s going on?” Lenalee asked, concern creeping into her voice.” Whose underwear is that?”

“Walker, you jerk!” Link shouted from the bathroom, which only caused Allen to fall over in hysterics, attempting to fill in Lenalee to the injustice that had transpired seconds before. Alma was clearly trying to suppress their own laughter.

“Holy shit I can’t believe you managed that….” Alma mustered.

“It was planned!” Lenalee and Kanda shouted only to hear a fist slam into the door bathroom.

“Walker! You have 20 seconds to give me back my pants!”

“Or what?” Allen said catching his breath.

“Or I’ll come out there and kick your butt!” Link hissed.

“With Lenalee and Alma out here? I don’t think so,” Allen laughed as another slam came from the bathroom.

“I’ll tell Lvellie.” Link said more seriously.

“And what? Tell him you got overpowered by two teenagers, who then stripped you of your clothes and locked you in the bathroom?”   
Another loud slam.

Lavi had managed to stagger to his feet still laughing. He headed down the hall back to living room. Returning in almost no time with the fourth nun outfit, handing it to Allen.

“I have a deal,” Allen said to the bathroom door, standing up and getting close to it.

“Why do I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick?” Link hissed out. “What is it?”

“You wear this, and I’ll give you back your pants.” Allen said, bending over and showing the others his boxer briefs. Everyone gave a small groan because they had already seen Allen’s ass far too many times in the course of this one year. He shoved the nun costume under the bathroom door.

“Absolutely not!” Link yelled.

“Then I’ll hide all your clothes in Cross’s hellhole of a den.” Allen said.

“You wouldn’t dare. You won’t even go down there!” Link said through the door.

“Oh do you not believe that I’ll do it to see you in that costume?”

“I don’t because if the basement itself doesn’t kill you, Cross will.”

“It would be worth it,” Allen replied. “ Or you can stay here in the bathroom for the rest of your life. Lenalee, can you lie to Komui so you can stay over?”

“Yea, no problem.” Lenalee said, the concern never leaving her voice. Alma and Lavi kept laughing.

“That’s cheating!” Link shouted.

“Just put on the dress, Link!” Lavi called.

“Fight me, Bookman!” 

“Fine! Enjoy your new room,” Allen snickered, quickly picking up Link’s clothes and walking to the laundry room. He moved aside the week’s laundry and placed all of the stolen articles of clothing at the bottom of the bin.

After a few minutes, the group sat around the guest bathroom door. Allen had gone upstairs to change out of his boxer briefs and had returned to finish putting on what was left of the costume, which involved thigh high stockings with a hilarious cross emblem on the top part. 

“I feel like these are going to be slipping off my leg,” Allen muttered.

“Tape,” Lenalee said instantly, putting a potato chip in her mouth from one of the bags that were now scattered around the hallway.

“Are you speaking from experience?” Lavi asked, struggling to walk in heels that were too high for even a hooker.

“Do you think my normal thigh highs stay up without any help?” Lenalee said almost in disbelief.

“No I just… never thought about it I guess,” Lavi said shrugging, tugging up this fishnet stockings.

“I think I’ll pass taping these to my skin.” Allen said. “ I’ll just suffer with them falling, like how Lavi’s going to soon.”

“I can walk in these.” Lavi protested, fighting Allen who was trying to push him over.

“Do you want me to teach you how not to fall?” Lenalee asked, getting up off the stairs and walking over to Lavi and Allen.

“I can walk fine in mine; I didn’t choose the hooker heels,” Allen said.

“He’s also worn heels before,” Link said through the door, it had been the first thing he had said in about an hour.

Lenalee and Lavi looked completely deadpan at Allen. 

“What?!” Allen yelled. “I have not!”

“Why don’t I believe you…” Lavi said.

“I’m telling the truth!” Allen shouted getting slightly flustered.

“I would like to hear about the last time you were in heels,” Alma snickered.

Allen simmered. “Open the door, you Fink!”

“No!” 

“No! You have to right now or I’m throwing the rest of your clothes in the Hellhole.”

“I’m not coming out in this sacrilegious outfit! Do you understand I’ll be fired?” Link shouted.

“I don’t think you can be fired for wearing a Halloween costume,” Lavi said.

“Remember his boss is Lvellie,” Lenalee said.

“Still, I don’t think the stick is shoved that far up his ass.” 

“Inspector, come out. At this rate we won't be going to the party. And that means you’ll just be in that bathroom all night, cause with that coffee we’re not going to bed any time soon,” Alma threatened playfully.

After a moment, the bathroom door creaked open, everyone a little shocked when they saw a black clothed leg step out from behind the door, soon followed by the rest of Link as he slid out from behind the bathroom door, completely dressed in the fake nun garb, face as red as a tomato.

Link looked almost stunning, like an actual nun. His long blonde hair was braided back behind his shoulders, his toned figure lent itself well to the curves of the black dress giving him an almost sensuous femi-

“Stop staring at me like that!” Link shouted. “You’re all going to hell!”

“Link you’re so pretty though!” Lenalee was the one who brought attention to what everyone was thinking. “I can’t believe it!”

Link’s face seemed to turn an almost deeper shade of red, if that was possible, when Lenelee commented on his appearance. 

Allen snickered, recovering from his shock. “I bet we could roast marshmallows on his face.” 

“Guys, we have fifteen minutes to be at the Order party. Cross even left before us,” Lavi said. "It’s a quarter to nine, come on….”

“Where are my shoes, Walker.” Link grumbled, the color from his face slowly fading, but not quite disappearing. 

“Piano room floor,” Allen said, slipping on his own heels and making himself finally almost as tall as Lavi normally was. 

“Where did you put my pants?” Link asked, “And the rest of my clothes… Did you throw them in Cross’s den?!”

“Who could say?” Allen said innocently with a smile.

“Walker!”

“Come on, we have to go.” Lavi pushed.

Allen pulled Link to the door, not letting him look for his clothes. 

“Okay, whose brilliant plan was it to go in Lavi’s car?” Kanda asked.

“We’ll manage, we’ll manage,” Lavi said as he unlocked the convertible and climbed into the driver’s seat. “Come on.”

After five minutes of bickering, they had managed to get into the car and drive down the road for about ten minutes, Link ranted for most of it until Lavi braked harshly when he pulled into the Order parking lot, and entirely on purpose. Link grumbled, barely managing to stop himself from slamming into the back of a seat.

“I’m not going in. I’ll wait in the car until all of this is over,” Link hissed, scooting closer to his door as Alma shifted positions to let Kanda and Lenalee exit the back of the over-crowded car seat.

“Would you really risk getting fired for not following me instead of just showing up and owning the nun costume?” Allen asked.

“Honestly, it sounds preferable at this point.” Link muttered.

“Fine. I liked you Link, I’ll be sad when Lvellie fires you,” Allen said regretfully, exiting the car and heading to the entrance to the small Order building.

Link stammered at seeing everyone leave him, giving him his wish of waiting in the car unbothered. Every piece of his skin pricked in anxiety and after a few minutes, he bolted over the side of the car. He couldn’t risk it after all. 

Allen was the first to walk in and honestly it felt like how the proms in eighties movies looked. The music was tame, people dancing and even more people standing around, with drinks in their hands as they chatted. The door behind them opened and Allen turned, his bored expression turning into a smirk as he saw Link burst through the door.

“Aw you do car-“

“Bite me, Walker,” Link hissed, standing behind the group and clearly trying not to draw attention to himself as Allen laughed.

Lavi was the first to lead the group out of the hallway and into the main room where the party was. A few people stopped, eliciting reactions they had expected, except Cross’s. Cross’s was great.

Allen saw Cross head turn to look so quickly that he could practically hear his neck crack the moment he caught even the slightest sight of them, with his immediate reaction a mix of bewilderment, amusement, and displeasure all at once making it even more hilarious.

A mousy haired woman next to Cross almost spilled her drink when she saw them, but was now in hysterics.

Komui almost spit out his drink when he made eye contact with Allen and Lavi, the worry growing as his eyes frantically looked for Lenalee and then slowly relaxed into relief when he saw her in a costume that wasn’t a stripper nun. The last to see them was Lvellie.

He looked completely unsurprised by the group’s entrance, and complete unamused by their costumes until his eyes locked onto Link. His eyes widened to being almost as wide as dinner plates, and being just as white. 

Link locked eyes with him and he physically paled, looking like he was about to fall over but managed to stay upright, choosing to hide behind Allen who was vibrating with laughter. 

“Okay Lavi, we’ve embarrassed all of us enough…” Alma snickered.

“What, you don’t want to stay at this fantastic party?” Lavi replied, the sarcasm dripping off his voice.

“Did we really just come here to embarrass Link and then leave?” Allen asked, practically giddy with small giggles. 

“I mean, this party has always been one of the worst one the Order throws,” Lavi snickered.

Link looked like he wanted to kill someone, but honestly was already as mortified as he could be.

“We also came to disgrace the Order just a tad.” Alma smirked.

“Let’s go!” Lavi turned around just as quickly as they came in. They hadn’t even been there for ten minutes and they were already leaving.

“And what are we going to do now? Trick or treat?” Lenalee joked.

“What’s trick or treating?” Allen asked and the entire group stopped and gawked at him.

“You’re joking…Allen please tell me you’re joking.” Lavi said.

“Cross is my guardian, do you think he’d let me have fun?” Allen asked as Lavi put his face in his hand.

“It’s where you go door to door and say ‘Trick or Treat’, and people give you candy.” Lenalee explained, giving Allen a sympathetic look.

“You’re kidding…Free candy?” Allen’s eyes were bright almost like a child seeing fireworks for the first time. 

“Yes, free candy,” Lavi reassured.

“I don’t believe you.” 

“Okay, but really, where are we going?” Kanda asked, annoyed about how long he had already been forced to wear the costume.

Lavi smirked. “You remember that massive Halloween party that was going around school?”

“Oh no,” Link groaned under his breath.

“Onward!”

“What about trick or treating?” Allen asked quickly, concerned that they were no longer going to go.

“Onward!” Lavi cheered moving everyone towards the car.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time they actually had started heading to the party, the sun had already set. Allen sat giddily, holding an empty pillowcase that had been acquired by returning to Cross’s house. Lavi had begun to pick up speed on the highway when the heart dropping sound of police sirens and the familiar lights flashing behind them.

“Holy shit,” Allen practically laughed.

“I wasn’t going that fast! Fucking hell, Gramp’s is going to kill me,” Lavi muttered, as he began to pull over.

“Guys…We’re all dressed as nuns and priests…” Alma brought to attention as they scooted as close to Link as was physically possible to have it appear that Lenalee was sitting in the middle seat instead of sitting on both Alma's and Kanda’s legs at the same time, a problem caused from Lavi not having enough seats to fit all six of them comfortably.

The cop walked up to Lavi’s window, and looked in.  
“Son, can you drive with one e-“ he froze, eyes making contact with Allen and his shit eating grin, then to Lavi, or more specifically, to Lavi’s inflatable breasts. The sharp breath he took was audible, and a little laughter rose in his chest.

“Yes, I can drive while wearing an eyepatch,” Lavi started automatically with that fake cheesy smile that Lenalee has only ever seen Allen pull on Kanda. “I have my license that was issued last year if you’d like to see it. And the car registration.”

The Police officer gave an awkward cough, but held his hand out anyway as Lavi pulled his license and papers from the glove compartment. His hand drifted a little too close to Allen’s hemline, closer than either of them wanted it to be in that moment.

The four in the back seat remained completely silent for once in their lives, not wanting to draw attention to the girl sitting improperly between Kanda and Alma, barely even sitting on the actual car seat. Even it Link was practically squished to the passenger door and the convertible roof.

The cop took the license and returned to his squad car.

“I mean he’s not wrong, you can’t drive,” Kanda was the first to speak. 

“I don’t want to hear that from the guy who gets bussed around in Tiedoll’s soccer mom van,” Lavi said.

“Even with those massive inflatable beach balls attached your chest, you couldn’t even pass for a girl,” Allen sneered teasingly.

“Is that your cleavage through that boob window?” Lavi rebutted.

“Stop looking at my cleavage,” Allen laughed.

“Shut up.” Lavi said turning back to the driver’s side window and returning the fake smile.

“Okay everything checks out.” The cop said, returning the stack of papers and the little plastic card.

“Did you just pull me over because I have an eyepatch?” Lavi asked, dropping his act.

“I did, but seeing those costumes made it worth it. Be careful out there boys and enjoy your Halloween.”

Once the cop left for good, Lavi sighed in relief as everyone else busted out laughing.

Lenalee readjusted herself on Kanda, allowing Alma to release Link from his position spooning the door.

“Holy shit… I’ve never been that ready to hit the gas in my life,” Lavi said, pulling onto the other road and pulling up onto a hill with houses covered in fake skeletons.

“They really go all out here, don’t they?” Lenalee asked musingly.

“Right? I could barely get a jack o’ lantern out on our porch.” Lavi muttered looking for a parking spot on a street that was already jam-packed with cars.

“There’s a spot,” Allen said, pointing to the side of the road the redhead wasn’t paying attention to.

Lavi slammed his breaks, jolting everyone forward. Kanda and Alma had to grab hold of Lenalee to keep her from ending up in the front seat with Lavi and Allen.

“I think I got whiplash from that... ” Link muttered, holding his head for a moment before adjusting the habit of his costume.

“Thank god I’m wearing something long and not slutty… especially considering where your hands are, Kanda,” the girl said. She was still braced against the front seats where she had stopped herself from flying forward.

“No, those are my hands, sorry,” Alma said, moving their hands away from the girl.

“Oh. Sorry I blamed you, Kanda.”

“What do you take me for? Lavi?” Kanda bitterly asked.

“Hey!” Lavi said turning around in his seat. Thank god by that point he had paralleled parked successfully without hitting anything.

“He might get distracted fondling his own breasts right now anyway to pay attention to you,” Allen snickered.

“Allen…You literally saw me put these fake boob up my dress,” Lavi said dryly. 

Lenalee snickered. “Come on, Allen, let’s take you trick or treating.”

The boy’s eyes almost became silver platters. He opened the car door and ended up on the sidewalk practically bouncing up and down.

“Go, you knock on the door, and say trick or treat,” Lavi said, shooing Allen away with his hand.

After the struggle of getting Lenalee out of the back seat first and then Kanda and Alma. Link had thankfully escaped the whole mess through his own door. Sighing as he watched Allen approach the house and ring the doorbell.

“So where’s the party, Lavi?” Alma asked, clearly joking. Music came from a few houses down; the cars that lined the street were empty if not depositing their costume clad teenage occupants.

By the time everyone had settled into chatting, the door Allen had been waiting at opened, to reveal a smiling adult. That smile was only to be replace with a look of concern and bewilderment at the skimpily clad, white haired, red scared teenager stood, shamelessly saying ‘trick or treat’ holding out the pillow case. They placed an apple in Allen’s pillowcase.

Allen looked down and stared slowly.

“An apple? Where’s my candy you son of a bitch?” were the only words that left his mouth as the door was slammed in his face.

After that, Allen was on a roll, walking up and down the streets until the bag was almost completely full of candy. 

“Okay, that was fun, but it only killed like fifteen minutes.” Allen said.

“Because you have no chill,” Lavi said. “Throw the candy in the car, we’re not done yet.”

“Lavi, if this is a party where we’re going to be drinking, does that mean I have to drive us home?” Allen asked.

“If you think I’m letting you drive my car, you’re crazy. Cross doesn’t even let you drive and that’s saying a lot,” Lavi said. “The designated drive will always be Link.”

“Because I’m somehow always caught up in your childish antics.” Link said, still not completely happy that he had been dragged out.

“Because you’re on Allen’s ass faster than a politician on a hooker,” Alma smirked, knowing it would bother the inspector.

“You know that would be better than him scolding me,” Allen muttered as he pouted.

“How much did that Noah corrupt you?” Lavi snickered avoiding getting hit by Allen.

“That was never what it looked like!” Allen hissed completely rattled by that. “If you hadn’t sent a dick pic to our group snapchat I would have never been in that mess!”

“We never need to see that much of you, Lavi.” Lenalee snickered beginning to cross the street as Lavi paled, clearly embarrassed she saw.

“Wait wait wait, you’re telling me because I’m not in the snapchat group I missed seeing Lavi’s dick?” Alma asked, wide-eyed and feigning betrayal before whipping around to face Kanda. “Yuu!”

“I wasn’t screenshotting that to show you!” Kanda snapped. “Besides, later we saw Beansprout’s everything.”

“Ahh!” Alma screamed turning back at Allen, who for once had his face flushed in a lavender color under the light of the moon.

“My name is Allen!” He protested, but not defending himself.

“Allen, can you show me your ‘everything’ some time?” Alma asked without a hint of shame in their voice. Allen’s face only managed to flush more.

“Hey!” Kanda protested.

“If you pay him he’ll probably strip here,” Lavi said smugly, following Lenalee’s lead across the street.

“Do not!” Kanda hissed out, pushing a laughing Alma across the street and towards the house with the music blasting.

Link stood next to Allen. “So it seems like you do still have an ounce of shame after all.”

“Shut up!” Allen whined.

Link smirked slightly, this was a side of Allen he didn’t see often enough, the side that Cross could bring out. 

“I’m leaving you behind!” Allen said, taking off to rejoin the small group walking in the front door of the house. 

As they walked in, already the smell of alcohol practically smacked Allen in the face. Why did everyone insist on visiting these kinds of events? It smelled like Cross’s house late in the night, and more so like Cross’s room any time of day. Alcohol and cigarettes.   
The house was filled with teenagers doing stupid shit. A game where the goal was to get a tiny ping pong ball in a cup filled presumably with alcohol. Kids screaming and jumping into the swimming pool, and more than a few people getting way too close to third base to be in public.

“Now what am I supposed to do while you guys get drunk?” Allen asked.

“Prepare to be the smartest one in the room.” Lavi said, taking a few beers that were at that point a little more than warm, but passed it around to everyone except for Allen and Link. “Well, second smartest.”

“Are you sure you can handle that, Lena?” Kanda asked. It would have been teasing if his tone of voice ever changed.

“Okay, last time I drank with you you didn’t warn me that what you were drinking was Cross grade tequila,” the girl said, opening the beer and taking a drink.

“I mean what were you expecting?” Kanda asked.

“Not that,” Lenalee muttered.

“Why are you all like this.” Allen stated rather than asked.

“Because I can’t drink with Tiedoll in the house and he hasn’t left recently so I haven’t been able to, so fight me.” Kanda hissed before chugging the beer.

“You haven’t?” Alma laughed. “You clearly don’t know how to hide it well.”

“You can?”

Alma smiled at him. 

“I demand you to share,” Kanda said.

“What do I get for it?” Alma asked.

“I’m wearing this aren’t I?” Kanda replied, motioning to the entirety of the nun costume.

“I already promised you something else for that,” Alma said.  
Before Kanda could retort he spotted Lavi, a teasing smirk cover almost the entirety of the ginger’s face.

“Wipe that smug ass look off your face, Rabbit,” Kanda threatened.

“No! you brought that onto yourself!” Lavi snickered.

“Fuck this, I’m getting punch.” Allen walked away with Link following him calmly.   
The kitchen was brimming with snacks and drinks that were slowly being eaten and refilled. Allen picked up a handful of chips and made sure to pace himself so that he wouldn’t eat them out of house and home so early on into the party. Allen looked around, about the get a cup of punch, only to see single serving mini cups of Jell-O. 

“Link! Look!” Allen yelled, grabbing at least five of the mini cups as he hurried over to him. “Single serve! Why don’t you make them like that?” He quickly ate one without a second thought.

Link sighed, glancing at the tiny shots of Jell-O, and all to quickly realized something , He paled and eyes widened.  
“Walker!” Link shouted.

“These are super sweet, oh my God,” Allen said before finishing off the rest of the cups in his hand. “Why do they taste a little off though? I didn’t think you could screw up Jell-O. Taste one and tell me if it’s just me.”

Link hesitated but took one of the little cups and brought it up to his lips. The smell alone gave it away, and he looked panickedly at Allen who was taking another one “Walker! Stop!”

“What why?” the white haired boy said plopping the Jell-O into his mouth.

“These are pure vodka,” Link replied in a deadpan manner, watching Allen do a spit take with Jello shot.

“What!” Allen shouted. “No! You’re…you’re lying!” He brought one of the shots up to his nose and caught the familiar and nauseating scent. How had he missed it? How had he missed it and already eaten so many! Allen paled. “Cross is going to kill me! Link! Do you realize how dead I am?”

Link tossed back the single shot in his hand and looked at Allen. “As long as you don’t eat any more, you’ll be fine. You’re Cross’s apprentice, so I’m not surprised.”

“He made me swear to never touch alcohol, Link. I am going to be absolutely dead!” Allen cried, grabbing Link by the shoulders and practically shaking him.

“Again! If you don’t eat or drink anymore you’ll be fine by the time we return to Cross’s house. And my job isn’t to report you to General Cross, either, so if that’s your concern, please rest assured I will not tell General Cross about this,” Link try to comfort the nearly crying boy, removing Allen’s hands from his shoulders. “Eat more snacks and you will be fine.”  
Allen nodded quickly and began to look through the kitchen to find something anything to eat, in a hope that it would absorb the alcohol, but only found the butt of a loaf of bread and settled for it, assuming that eating that and enough candy would work just as well. Link had left Allen to his own devices for the most part, watching him search the kitchen for any form of food. Link was sure; it was going to be fine, it wasn’t even affecting him that much at this point.

God had Link been wrong. So horribly wrong. Within fifteen minutes of the last shot, Allen was practically hammered, slurring his words and hanging off of Link’s shoulders like a deadweight.

“Allen, please,” Link begged. He had tried to wrangle the punch, which was also absolutely alcoholic, out of Allen’s wobbly hand but failed. Everything at this party that didn’t come prepackaged with labels, was spiked with hooch and Allen’s drunk ass had been falling into each and every trap like he hadn’t been concerned about the possibility that Cross would put him 6 feet under if he learned about that what happening.

Link had managed to throw Allen onto a couch to keep him from eating the rest of the vodka shots in the kitchen.

“Oh god, is Allen drunk?” Lenalee asked, walking over to look at Allen after she saw him nearly drag Link to the floor only moments before.

“He ate at least ten of the Jell-O shots on the counter when he went to get a drink.”

Lenalee blinked and then bent towards Allen. “Allen, stick out your tongue…”

“Not while you’re wearing the priest outfit, and not for less than twenty bucks,” Allen said,managing not to slur the sentence by some miracle.

Link put his head into his hands. “How are the others?” he asked.

“Well... Kanda and Lavi just had a shot competition so I think they’ll be joining Allen soon,” Lenalee smiled.

“We’re walking home aren’t we?”

“Absolutely.”

“Keep them away from Allen…”

“Why?” Lenalee asked. 

“It’s been five minutes… He’s been hitting on me for the past four.”  
“fink…..Lenaleeeeee…He won’t pay attention to me! Will you give me a kiss?” Allen whined.

“No.” The girl smirked.  
“He has a deathwish.” Link muttered.

“A chocolate one!” Allen added.

Lenalee giggled. “ I don’t have any but I can find some.” Allen cheered as she began to walk back, but the moment she turned, she saw Kanda slam face first into Lavi’s fake boobs.   
Kanda looked so shocked and embarrassed when he reeled back, with Allen laughing extremely loud. Alma only caught the end of Kanda reeling back, and was already struggling not to laugh.  
“Did Kanda just try to motorboat Lavi’s inflatable boobs?” They asked before completely losing themself to laughter. Lenalee sputtered in shocked laughter.

 

“Oh for the love of…” Link grumbled, not noticing that Allen had gotten to his feet and was approaching the other two.

“Kanda, I didn’t know you liked big tits….” Allen slurred slightly. Kanda’s face was now more red that normal. Allen reached out and put a hand on one of the inflatable boobs. “I guess they’re close to the real deal.”

“How would you know Alleny?” Lavi asked.

“You’re right... I’ll have to put my face up against them hold on.” Allen then proceeded to shove his head into the airbags only to jerk back seconds later holding his forehead. “I hit bone!” he cried.

“If both of you like them so much, please feel free to continue,” Lavi snickered as Kanda made an inhuman noise and Allen flipped him off. 

“Boys, you all have wonderful boobs, they’re all made equally,” Lenalee said, trying not to laugh harder despite the fact that Alma was almost crying of laughter besides her.All three of them stopped and just stared at her. Eyes moving from her face then down before coming up again only to form an even more confounded expression then the previous.

“What?” Lenalee asked.

“Those,” Allen was the first to pipe up, pointing at Lenalee’s boobs.

“They’re boobs,” Lenalee replied, her face completely dead.

“But…” Allen began.

“They’re so small…” Lavi muttered, groping the inflatable beach balls under his dress.

“Wait…Are they not fake…..Then what are they made out of?” Kanda ended with that question.   
Link was almost certain he was going to see Lenalee’s amazing punch but the girl just sighed and chuckled to herself.

“Boys’ hopes and dreams and a little bit of mine too,” she answered. She could almost see the gears going almost a hundred miles per hour trying to figure out what she just said before each of them responding with the same monotone, “Oh.”

“So, how plastered are they?” Alma asked, holding with two Jell-O shots in hand before handing one to Lenalee. “Also, some asshole ate almost all of the Jell-O shots. Can you believe it?”

Lenalee almost spit her drink. “Holy shit…Allen! Link how could you let him!”

“Oh fuck, those are like 100% vodka,” Alma laughed.

“By the time I realized they were vodka Allen had eaten most of them already!” Link protested. 

Kanda’s eyes connected with Alma’s and then quickly looked them up and down. 

“Oh no…”Alma said under ther breath, watching Kanda walk over. “Yes?”

“Didn’t you…where did….Didn’t you have bre-those at one point?” Kanda slurred.

‘Oh course,’ Alma thought, though they couldn’t stop smiling. “Excuse me?”

“What…What happened to them?” 

“Okay…We’re going home. It’s been three hours and you’re already too drunk to function,” Alma said. “God, how much did you drink when Lavi challenged you?”

“Three…but wait…” Kanda paused. “You used to…but you use to…I used to…we still…am I gay?” His face was so concerned.

Alma tried to hide their laughter, but didn’t do it well. Biting their lip, they watched Kanda’s confused drunk face trying to figure out everything that had happened to lead up to this moment.

“I will literally let you feel what is under this priest cloak if you shut up right now,” Alma barely managed to say around their laughter.

“No, I’m not asking now….but then…before...” Kanda said staring intently at Alma.

“Oh god,” Alma laughed, tears in their eyes. “Please stop.”

“Wait…” Kanda paused, putting his hand in Alma’s hair. “ So you’re….the only one who’s experienced it both w-“

“For the love of God shut up right now!” Alma cried. “If you’re asking if blondes have more fun the answer is no because you’ve always been a stick in the mud!”

“Oh no,” Lenalee couldn’t stop giggling, the drink in her hand slashing around slightly as she tried to calm down but couldn’t.

“Can we go home soon?” Link asked, his head in his hands. “Please, I’m working so I can’t drink as much as I would like too.”

“Wait... you drink, Inspector?” Alma snickered as Kanda practically hung off them at this point.

“I grew up in the Order, let alone the Catholic Church. Of course I drink.” Link boldly said. 

“I mean, it’s not like Allen’s going to be doing anything worth reporting to that dic-I mean, Inspector Lvellie,” Alma said even though they hadn’t been fast enough to catch their lapse in manners, only to get a sour face from Link.

“I mean you’re probably not wrong b-“

“Hey, Alleny! Have you ever done a blow job shot?” Lavi asked loudly, silencing Alma and Link’s words.

“I can give you the real thing, if you want,” Allen said with the sultriest voice he could muster in his drunken state.

Link yanked Allen back by the back of his dress collar. “No! You absolutely will not!”

“Are you jealous, Fink? I can give you one tooooo,” Allen said invitingly, already tugging on Link’s clothes again.

Link’s face turned red; even though he had been drinking, he was still the most sober out of all of them.He quickly removed Allen’s hands from him and lightly pushed him away, the white haired boy supposedly too drunk to put up much of a fight he assumed.

 

“Okay, we don’t have coffee schnapps but rum will work,” Lavi said, leading a wobbly Allen into the kitchen, grabbing shot glasses and almost slamming them onto the counter, grabbing a bottle of some amber colored liquor that was on the counter.

“That’s not rum,” Alma snickered, “that’s fi-“

“Shhh… Let this train wreck happen…” Kanda whispered just low enough for Alma to hear.

“You’re a horrible person,” Alma said quietly, watching as Lavi carried a bottle that wasn’t rum, but instead clearly label ‘Fireball’. the bottle in Lavi’s hand wasn’t rum but rather Fireball.

Lavi pulled off the twist top and filled each shot glass almost to the brim before jumping across the kitchen floor to the refrigerator, and after pulling out a can of whipped cream, he slid back to the shots in preparation. He popped off the top of the can, aiming it down and almost missing one the shot glasses in the process before correcting himself and actually getting a few good dollops of whip cream on each of the glass. He was about to put the whipped cream back when Allen stopped him. 

“Leave it out.”

“Are you going to steal the can of whip cream?” Lavi asked automatically.

Allen’s grin creeped into an evil smirk as he took the can out of Lavi’s hand, turning towards Link the smirk dissolving into a sloppy grin. “Hey, Fink! Have you ever used whip cream in ‘nother way?”

“Walker!” Link sputtered only to get Allen cackling with Lavi joining him.

“Yea, Howard have you?” Alma asked snickering, postponing Allen and Lavi’s deaths for a moment.

“I have never!” Link said growing more and more flustered.

“I have an entire can of whipped creaaaaam and no volunteers.” He rushed up to Link and heckle him, only for Allen to get a mouth full of whipped cream from Link who had snatched the can from him, hearing Allen choke on it slightly. 

“I was joking!” Allen yelled, sounding slightly sobered up for a split second. 

Lavi shoved a shot glass at Allen and pulled him over to two chairs facing each other. “Sits,” the ginger directed, practically shoving Allen down into the other chair. “Put the shot on your dick.”

“How forward,” Allen giggled, but followed through with the order as Lavi did too. “How does we do this?”

“You have to wrap your mouth around the shot glass take the drink without your hands,” Lavi told him. Both boys locked eyes, seeming to suddenly realizing how close they were about to get to each other’s dicks.

“Should we stop them?” Lenalee asked.

“If Allen keeps drinking he’ll probably puke,” Link said before belatedly adding, “and it will serve him right.”

“That would be bad for Lavi,” Lenalee said. Kanda had gone to get a drink and returned to hear the conversation.

“He would deserve it,” The dark haired man said taking a drink.

“Spitters are quitters,” Alma said only to get Kanda practically spitting the drink. Being so sudden, Alma began to laugh really hard. “Wait, is Allen a spitter?”

Kanda and Lenalee looked dead inside before looking at each other. 

“Oh god, is he?” Alma asked, but neither Kanda or Lenalee had the answer.

“Wait…I have that Noah’s phone number,” Kanda said pulling out his phone and struggling to unlock it before managing it and pulling up the group text Tyki has inserted himself into a few weeks ago.

“Is it day in England?” Lenalee asked.

“Who cares?” Kanda responded, sending out a text that sloppily read

‘Hey is Allrm a spittrr?’

‘You knw whst I mean.”

“Asking fr friends.”

“Okay I think I know how to do it.” Allen said which drew everyone’s attention back to the two preparing to do shots. 

“Go ahead then.” Lavi said, moving his second hand away from the cup and smirking.   
Allen slowly leaned forward and Lavi leaned back. Alma had taken out their phone and was already recording. The white haired boy wrapped his mouth skillfully around the shot glass. Link’s eyes widened as just he remembered that Allen had no gag reflex in existence.   
“Wait!”   
It was too late.

Allen has already shot back the fireball and took the shot glass out of his mouth with a free hand before giving a cough. “Holy shit… is that … cinnamon?”

“You share a house with Link; you tell me,” Lavi snickered as Allen gave an evil glint at Link who could only shudder.

“It’s your turn, bunny boy,” Allen said, casting the evil glint at Lavi.

“Fine, I’ll blow your job,” Lavi shrugged before adjusting the inflatable breasts a little bit before leaning forward. He was just about to wrap his mouth around the shot glass when he felt Allen giggling. 

“If I spill on this we can’t return them. So please stop laughing like a moron.” Lavi looked up only to get Allen laughing more. 

“No with those inflatable boobs it looks like something straight out of a hent-“ Before he could finish it, Allen suddenly clammed up, his face bright red and Lavi gave a knowing smirk before slamming down onto the shot glass and pulling it back up, almost immediately choking on it. Lavi barely caught the shot glass as if flew out of his mouth. 

“Spitters are quitters,” Alma reiterated, sounding disappointed. 

“No! Fucking fight me, Karma,” Lavi coughed roughly. “Holy shit, was that fireball?” He wobbled back over to the counter and picked the bottle up and actually bothered read the label on it, turning to give everyone a suspicious glare. “Okay, who the fuck didn’t stop me. “

“You didn’t give us time,” Lenalee snickered.

“And Kanda stopped me,” Alma shrugged. 

Kanda grumbled. 

“Is that so,” Lavi glared, looking Kanda dead in the eye as he poured a shot into the shot glass and practically shoved it at Kanda.

“Do you expect me to drink that?” Kanda hissed.

“I didn’t expect you to be a coward.” 

“Hand it over, Rabbit.” Kanda walked over snatched the shot glass out of Lavi’s hand.

“Yuu, please, for the love of god haven’t you had eno-“ Before Alma could finish the sentence, Kanda had already shot back the drink. He made a face that Alma had seen more than once before and would definitely see in the future, to which they could only ask, “Do you regret your choices?”

“No,” Kanda managed to croak out through a few coughs to which Alma only raised an eyebrow.

“Allen! Get the hell away from me with that thing! Don’t you dare cream m-AHHH!” Link screamed at the top of his lungs and a thump came from the floor. Just as everyone turned, the familiar sound of the air pressure being released from the whip cream can pierced the chatter of teenagers.

Allen was practically on top of Link, using his left hand to keep Link hostage for a little, but Link was fighting back as much as he could, his skirt hiked up just enough so that the blonde man’s knee was up against Allen’s chest. 

“Oh come on Finnnnkkky~” Allen slurred struggling again Link who was shoving the whip cream can away from his face, though he had already had whip cream just beside his mouth.

Kanda blatantly started laughing and Alma had to look away and cover their face.

Lenalee stood there, a slightly cruel and amused smirk overtook her face.

“Link, why are you wearing garter belts?” Lavi questioned, noticing the sock suspenders still neatly holding up his socks even during this disaster.

“Because I’m not a heathen! Now get him off of me!” Link hissed, slowly starting to lose his battle of wills against Allen. 

Alma and Lavi snickered but still pulled a wobbly protesting Allen off the Inspector who scrambled up to his feet. His breathing was labored and his face was flushed as Lenalee handed him a napkin. 

“Allen, I’ve been meaning to ask since you tackled Link… Why do you have a cat on your underwear?” Lenalee asked.

“Because everyone loves some good pussy,” Allen smirked deviously.

“Okay, we’re going home.” Lenalee responded immediately. “You’re drunk enough.”

“But Lenaleeeeee..!” Allen protested, grabbing onto her arm and shaking it slightly only to get her pulling him away and out of the kitchen. 

“We have to walk anyway,” Lavi said, leaning back as he walked but almost toppled over slightly before straightening himself.

“But whyyyyyyyyyyy,” Allen whined.

“Because I think I’m going to be on your level in a few minutes…probably….” Lavi giggled, almost completely giddy at this point... “This is great. I’m going to regret this in the morning, but we’re walking home.”


	3. Chapter 3

After a failed attempt to pull Allen away from an entire bowl of Halloween candy, they had settled for taking the bowl and returning it later. The group had staggered out, barely making it through a bit of uneven sidewalks and a few wrong turns, turning the normally thirty minute walk to Tiedoll’s house into an hour-long struggle. 

At least halfway through the walk, Lavi had begun to sing 500 miles, miraculously getting both Allen and Kanda to join him in the song. Neither of the three at this point were the steadiest on their feet.

“Can I….us…you? Get food?” Allen slurred.

“But you ate more than half the bowl of candies,” Lenalee protested.

“I could do food,” Lavi seconded the idea.

“You could do anything at this point,” Kanda responded snidely. 

“I wouldn’t do you,” Lavi muttered.

“Isn’t that Alma’s job, anyway?” Lenalee asked and Alma sputtered. 

“Don’t out me in the middle of the city!” Alma stuttered. “Lenalee, I thought I could trust you with that information!”

“Do you think they’re sober enough to remember this is the morning, Karma?” Link asked, attempting to fix the back of Allen’s skirt which had once again ended up hiked up just enough to show a peak of ass cheek. The white haired boy promptly turned and grabbed Link’s hand.

“If you wanted to touch me so badly you should’ve just asked… I’d gladly let you,” Allen tried to say seductively, trying to bring Link’s hand much closer to his own body.

An undignified scream rose from Link’s chest as he struggled to pull away from Allen. “Stop! No! Let me go you drunk bastard! Please!” he protested, all to no avail.

Alma and Lenalee were practically as unsteady as the others from laughter, and Lavi stood there, with a hand covering his mouth and a glint in his eyes. 

“I didn’t know your relationship had escalated that quickly! After all, he is a minor and you are technically on the job,” Lavi teased.

“Oh, put a carrot in it, Lavi!” Link shouted. “Walker! Let me go! I’ll buy you three cheeseburgers from McDonalds.”

At the promise at of food, even drunk Allen gleefully let go of the inspector’s arm, saving the blonde man from completely overheating for at least the third time that night.

“I expected nothing less from Cross’s apprentice,” Kanda slurred.

“Expect instead of a virgin killer he seems to be a man eater,” Alma giggled.

“Are you buying for everyone, Link?” Lavi asked.

“ I’m not made of money! Do you think Central agency pays me that much?” Link hissed.

“If we give you money, will you?”

“I don’t know where you’re keeping your money at the moment, and I fear asking.” Link muttered with disgust.  
Lavi could only waggle his eyebrows before producing a wallet from a pocket in the nun dress. “I’m not Jack Harkness, I don’t keep stuff in my butt cheeks.”

“Who the hell is Jack Harkness?” Allen giggled.

Lavi gawked. “You’re British and you don’t know!”

Allen simply shrugged, struggling to stand straight on his feet, giggling even more the less he could walk. 

“Maybe feeding him will sober him up…” Alma muttered, watching Lavi and Allen go back to singing as they entered the city center. 

The fact that they hadn't seen any police on this walk of shame, even as they hit the city center, was a miracle. The bars had gone quiet, all the patrons had left considering it was already three in the morning, and considering this was the time Cross intended to come home, one could connect that the bars closed earlier than that. The only thing opened was the McDonald’s down the street with the poor guys who were unlucky enough to get that shift - Link stopped and remembered what he was wearing - nevermind, the lucky bastards working that shift.   
They got to the intersection in the middle of the shopping, waiting for the walk sign to turn for them to cross the street.

“Why don’t we just go to Denny’s?” Alma suggested.

“Do you want to become a meme?” Lavi snickered only to get a confused look from everyone one. “Oh, come on!”

“I’m not taking a bunch of drunken teenagers into a Denny’s. That is a sure fire way we all spend the rest of tonight in a jail cell,” Link grumbled.

“Oh right, in this country we’re not legal are we…” Alma said after thinking for a moment. “Plus, Allen would suck your wallet dry, Inspector.”

Link looked like he wanted to fall over just as the walk sign flickered on and the group began to move once again. The blonde haired man could only sigh. 

“Okay which one of us is soberest…?” 

“I think that’s you, and I.” Alma said, a shit eating grin on their face but their eyes reflected anything but teasing. 

Finally stopping in front of the golden arches, Link held out his hand. “Anyone who wants anything better shell out at least five dollars.”

“But I left my wallet in Lavi’s car!” Lenalee protested.

“You will pay me back later, Miss Lee.”

“Can I do that?” Lavi asked.

“Absolutely not.” 

“That’s sexist!” the ginger loudly protested.

“Because I trust her to pay me back more than I do you?”

Lavi clammed up begrudgingly digging out five dollars from his wallet. “I hope you appreciate that it’s warm.” He said just as he placed the bill in Link’s hand and Link tried to pull away, clearly beyond disgusted at this point.

“No don’t you dare drop it! If you do I’ll make sure to stick it in your garter” a shit-eating grin crawled over the ginger’s face.

Allen’s eyes shined. “Lavi, give me a dollar!” Allen demanded, holding out his hand to Lavi. 

“Why?”

“I wanna give Link stripper mon-“ Link practically kicked Allen in the face, but managed to miss, only to see Allen stumble into Lenalee who caught him. 

After being caught by Lenalee, Allen blinked dumbly and slowly a concerned expression came across his face before asking, “Link, why aren’t you wearing underwear?”  
the blonde haired man looks like he wanted to kill him, but didn’t respond. Anger swelled in his eyes.

“Allen… you stole them off of him.” Lavi reminded Allen.

“When?! I would remember that! I would absolutely remember seeing Link’s dick for the first time today!” Allen slurred.

“Are you implying there is a second time?” Link hissed his voice almost at a growl at this point.

“Just now. The curtains match the drapes,” Allen said simply, un-wrapping some more candy and shoving it into his mouth.

“Is there a garden trail?” Lavi bubbled.

Link wanted to go home. He wanted to go home and let Cross tear a new one into Allen’s drunken ass, hopefully making him think twice about eating anything at a party before checking its alcohol content first before consuming it. “Just give me the stupid money.” He practically yanked the five dollars out of the ginger’s hand.

“Kanda do you want anything?” Alma asked, finally tearing their eyes away from the train wreck that was Link dealing with drunken Allen. Lenalee was on her ass laughing.

Kanda tried to think of anything he might want from the menu but apparently took too long. A flirty face fluttered across Alma’s face and they pushed themselves onto Kanda slightly, making the space between them almost none existent.

“You know if you want that you’ll have to wait a bit…” Alma said as sultry as they managed.

Kanda hadn’t quite been paying attention as Alma intruding into his personal space was nothing new and he wasn't bothered by it, but the words pull him out of his thoughts and shouted, finding Alma much closer than previously thought.

“What are you talking about?!” Kanda shouted probably a little too loud considering it was three in the morning. 

“Can’t you feel it? On your leg?” Alma asked with a smile.

“All I feel is that inflatable erection that costume comes with.” Kanda hissed. Lenalee could be heard dying of laughter. 

That only prompted to get even closer, standing their full height and whispering into Kanda’s ear,

“Can you feel it, Mister Krabs?” 

At that point, Kanda shoved Alma as hard as he could. Alma started laughing and stumbled backwards but ultimately caught themselves before ending up on the floor anyway.

Lavi was also roaring with laughter. “Good one!”

“I fucking hate all of you.” Kanda yelled out. “You owe me now, Alma.”

“Why? Because your face looks like a cherry that’s about to be popped?” Alma laughed out, barely missing a punch from Kanda as they stumbled to their feet. 

The dark haired man was at a loss for words, torn between the urge to full out deck Alma and not causing a scene in the middle of street. 

“You owe me chicken nuggets, and anything else I can think of tomorrow.” Kanda suddenly whirled on Allen. “Stop making that face!”

Allen stared at Kanda for a second before drunkenly stating, “I didn’t take your vir-“

Lavi and Lenalee both saw where it was headed and clamped their hands over Allen’s mouth.

“Do you have a death wish?” Lenalee hissed as Lavi snickered.

“Hey, Lenalee does your costume also have one of those manual erections?” Lavi asked.

Lenalee pulled away from Allen after he shut up without too much of a protest, and she shoved her hands into the tunic pocket of the priest outfit. There was the sound of air escaping some place and the fake erection sprung up like a jack-in-the-box startling Lavi so much that the ginger jumped. Lenalee let go of the pump in her pocket and began to laugh. 

“Why did that startle you so much?!”

“Because they don’t do that!” Lavi practically yelled. 

Kanda stifled a laugh at Lavi’s reaction. Allen looked slightly confused trying to make out what had just happened and why above all else Lenalee had an inflatable penis.

“Okay, now I need to borrow that costume,” Lavi continued after he had settled down.

“You don’t get ass as it is what makes you think an on-command erection is going to get you ass now?” Kanda asked. 

“Kanda, holy shit,” Alma laughed. 

“You’re all going to hell.” Link hissed, taking a deep breath before walking into the McDonald’s before seeing where this train wreck would end up. 

“I get more ass than you,” Lavi proudly proclaimed. 

“Says you,” Kanda said before realizing what he had implied.

“Wait… did I did take your virginity?” Allen drunkenly asked.

Kanda suplex him.

“I’m going to get a Mcflurry, I can’t deal with all your shit,” Alma giggled, walking into the McDonald’s after Link.

Link had paid for the dollar menu cheeseburgers and some fries, as well something for both Lenalee and Lavi. He and Alma walked out to find Lavi and Kanda snickering as Allen was bent over a potted plant and clearly vomiting. Lenalee was sympathetically rubbing his back. 

“The Jell-O shots finally caught up to him,” Link said sufferingly.

“Finkkkkk….” Allen said between hiccups. He was crying. “I don’t feel so well.”

“That’s your brain trying to tell you about your own stupidity.”

“But Finnkkkk….” Allen continued to cry.

“Maybe it’ll teach you to think before you eat!” Link had to hold himself back from full on yelling at Allen at this point. Tonight certainly wasn’t the worse situation they had found themselves in, but it honestly wasn’t one of the best ones they had had by a long shot either. Link sighed. “Come on, get up, we’re so close…Where we were going again…” He handed a McDonald’s bag to Lenalee and throwing another one at Lavi.

Kanda practically stole the Mcflurry out of Alma’s hand much to Alma’s protests. “You don’t like sweets!”

“I like you. Now where are my chicken nuggets,” Kanda said, watching Alma fluster, glad everyone was preoccupied with drunken Allen. Kanda ate some of the Mcflurry, disappointed at how sweet it was but slowly realize something wasn’t right. 

“Give it back,” Alma said, practically shoving the box of nuggets into Kanda’s arms. 

“Is this an Oreo and mayo McFlurry?” Kanda asked, disappointed.

“I’m not disgusting!” Alma yelled face still completely flustered.

“You just thought that would be amazing, didn’t you?” Kanda smirked at Alma.

“I will lick all of these if you don’t give me that.” Alma shook the box of chicken nuggets to emphasize their threat.

“What, no gross give me.” Kanda hissed yanking the chicken nuggets out of Alma’s hand as they swiped the McFlurry back. 

“You know, for someone who’s had my entire tong-“

“I can’t stand, carry me.” Allen interrupted, cutting off Alma and Kanda’s conversation.

“Absolutely not. Get up, Walker. Lenalee, please help me,” Link almost begged, grabbing one of Allen’s arms as they were held up to him. Lenalee shrugged and grabbed the other and they both lifted Allen up onto his unsteady feet. 

“You’re like a newborn deer,” Lavi laughed, eating chicken nuggets straight out of the bag.

“Let’s see if he can make it the three blocks to Tiedoll’s.” Kanda managed a low chuckle

“I’ll show you a newborn deer.” Allen hissed, stumbling slightly before readjusting himself, attempting to go fight Lavi but being held back by Lenalee. 

“If you can walk to General Tiedoll’s house you can have a burger when we get there,” Link said.

“Can I have the burger while we walk?” Allen asked as he stopped struggling against Lenalee, looking back at Link who could only stare back in disgust.

“But you…just…you’re disgusting.” Link stammered out.

Allen shrugged. “It tasted like Jell-O and candy.”

Link practically threw a wrapped cheeseburger at the white haired nun and he caught it surprisingly well. 

Allen immediately grinned. “Okay! Back to kicking Lavi’s ass!” 

“Allen!” Lenalee protested, pushing herself onto the boy’s arm, making sure his arm was well between her breasts, hoping Allen’s normal politeness and gentlemanly nature would pull away from his drunken mind to shock him into calming down. 

Allen did freeze, through the fabric of the long gloves he wore he could feel the heat of Lenalee’s body, and his brain registered exactly what was pressing onto his arm and it determined Cross was an asshole for even suggesting that Lenalee’s cup-size was too small! 

He turned to look at her. Lenalee couldn’t tell if the redness on his face was due to embarrassment or inebriation. 

“Hey….” Allen said quietly first, only to melt into a drawled, “How you doin’?” a flirty smile crawled over Allen’s face, though he realized far too late that the plan had backfired when Lenalee shoved him far away from her. He stumbled slightly but managed to catch himself, but not before Kanda punched him.

“You’re not Komui! You have no right!” Allen sputtered, holding his arm.

“And you’re Cross’s apprentice! I feel like that’s my right in itself.” Kanda smirked.

“Cross! That bastard!” Allen had at once forgotten about Kanda decking him, probably assuming he did actually deserved it. He shoved his now free hand down the boob window of the nun costume.

“Allen no!” Link shouted as Allen procured his cellphone one hundred percent from his underpants. Link tried to get the cellphone away from Allen but the white haired boy had already pressed Cross’s contact and the phone began to dial anyway. 

“Allen, you’re going to die!” Lavi yelled, but nevertheless let Allen dig his own grave. 

The call went directly to voicemail, but Allen started yelling, anyway.

“Listen you bastard! You fucking! C-cup is absolutely not small! She’s perfect, you bitch!” Allen yelled into his phone.

Lenalee screamed as Lavi and Kanda turned to lock eyes with the cellphone, the only words out of their mouths being “What?!”

“Oh my god, what the hell happened…” Alma asked, concern and amusement covered their face.

“Cross is a dead man,” Kanda said quietly.

“Allen’s dead,” Lavi said as Link finally managed to get the cellphone away from Allen, ending the call but then had to deal with the task of Lenalee wanting to completely break the phone. 

“Give me the phone!” Lenalee practically screamed. “Allen!” She waited but saw that Allen was just sitting on the pavement eating his cheeseburger, the cat face on his underwear in full view of everyone. “Do you have no shame?!”

“Not in particularly,” Allen slurred.

“I hope Komui hears that voicemail and kills both you and Cross,” Lenalee said. “Can we just get back to your house, Kanda? I want to sleep now…I’m done.” 

“No one told you to press your boobs onto Cross’s apprentice,” Kanda said.

“I’m not sober! My head is fuzzy and I wanna go to bed!”

~

Arriving at Tiedoll's house, Kanda quickly procured the spare key from under the doormat. Alma held their finger to their lips, making sure everyone removed their shoes. Luckily, Allen and Lavi had lost their hooker heels during the last two block stretch of the walk from the McDonalds to Tiedoll’s house. Thank god because neither Allen nor Lavi were stable enough walking at the moment as it was.

The door clicked as Kanda unlocked it and he pushed the door open and creeped in. Marie absolutely heard them coming in, but that wasn’t surprising. What was most important was not to wake up Tiedoll, because that would get them a longer talk in the morning than it was already going to be. The wood floor creaked beneath their feet as they skidded across the foyer and up the stairs to the second floor where Alma and Kanda’s rooms were. But that was the tricky part because that same set of stairs connected to the third floor which had only Tiedoll’s room. Moreover, if someone fucked up on the stairs, they were all dead. 

Allen sat giggling only for Link to clamp his hand over his mouth and putting his finger to the scowl forming across his lips. Allen fell quiet as Kanda slowly lead the up the stairs. Everyone could feel a silent prayer forming across all of them as they managed to climb the stairs. Hoping that no one, specifically Allen or Lavi tripped over their own legs and slammed down onto the staircase, waking up Tiedoll. 

Kanda began ascending the staircase first; keeping as close to the middle of the stairs as he could hoping they wouldn’t creak. He turned back to see Lenalee following him, holding her hand was Allen, being lead up the stairs, Link following close behind. With each step Allen took the stairs creaked slightly, as he wasn’t balancing perfectly so the old wood steps. He even stopped at once point to hush the stairs.  
Lavi waited for the small group the climb to the second floor, snickering when Allen hushed the stairs. He took a few steps up and was about to take another when his foot missed the step it was aiming for, and he stumbled. Reflexes still as quick, Lavi managed to catch himself but not without noise. He held onto the stair railing, barely keeping himself from completely tumbling down the stair. The group froze, eyes, locking on Lavi, waiting in silence. The floor above the creaked slightly. While everyone remained frozen, eyes locked with the ceiling, Alma took action, shoving Lavi up the rest of the stairs. Kanda now at the top of the staircase opened the door to the second floor living room and motioned for Lenalee to follow him. The girl pulled Allen up the remainder of the steps and into the other room with link right behind them. Lavi was pushed in, stumbling but caught himself before he ate the floor. Alma was the last one in, quietly closing the door behind them.  
Lenalee and Lavi quickly collapsed onto the couch in the room, then Allen dog piled onto them much to their surprise and laughter as Lenalee shoved Allen away. 

Alma slid in last and closed the den door behind them. “Victory!” Alma quietly cheered. 

Link had been pulled onto the couch with the other three, and Alma followed suit. Landing on top of them, the silent giggles and protests from the group filtered around the room.

Kanda was about to go to bed when he felt something push into his the top of his thighs and the lower half of his butt. He was about to for sure kick Lavi’s ass, but when he turned, ready to yell, he only saw Alma’s head pressing into his ass. Automatically his face flushed. 

“Alma!” He practically sputtered. “Don’t do this in public!”

“We’re in our house!”

“There are other people here!”

“But your butt is nice.”

“Who else wants to get off this couch now?” Lavi said as he stood up with Lenalee, leaving Allen who was making an all knowing face at a confused link.

“What? Why?” Link asked, only to see Allen pull that face more, suddenly realizing the implication he got up and pulled Allen up with him, who at this point was obviously still drunk.

“You perverts! We did no such thing!” Kanda shouted.

“But Yuu~” Alma said only to get bopped lightly on the head by the long haired man. Alma laughed and let go of Kanda but remained in their kneeling position on the floor. “You know with Marie in the house and Tiedoll being the kinda guy he is, you know how hard it is to do that.”

“Alma!” Kanda practically shouted as Lavi almost choked on a French fry.

“Okay but you’ve never told me this story completely, Alma,” Lenalee said, clearly not even surprised by the subject even though Kanda had whiplash from turning his head so fast to look at the girl. 

“I’ll tell you later,” Alma said quickly, waving it off.

“Okay, but are you speaking from experience?” Allen asked letting himself fall onto the floor and resigning himself to simply laying there.

“Long story sho-“A hand went over Alma’s mouth before they could finish their sentence.

“No. the long story short is we can’t, because Marie would catch us and then tell Tiedoll.” Kanda said, feeling Alma lick his hand, a slightly more disgusted face than normal came over him as he pulled his hand away and proceeded to wipe the spit on Alma. Alma turned and whispered something into Kanda’s ear and he blushed harder.

“I’m already wearing this isn’t that enough?” Kanda hissed.

“Goodnight, besides Lavi and Allen are already passed out on the floor.” Alma pointed to Lavi who was sprawled out on the floor and covered in spare fries, and Allen who was asleep where he had laid down moments earlier, surrounded by the candy wrappers he had dropped earlier.

“Hope we’re all still alive in the morning,” Lenalee snickered, following Alma to their room.

~

Six in the morning came around and Allen pushed himself up off the floor. 

“Oh god, why do I feel like I drank a keg?” he muttered seeing the world sway around him. “Shit, kid, what did you do? Slam your head into a brick wall?”   
It wasn’t Allen; the pale gold in his eyes gave that away even in the blue morning light. The nausea of Allen’s body waved over him and made him sway.

“Oh god.” Nea muttered, holding his head with one hand and looking down to find the floor under him littered with candy wrappers. The question as to why he was sleeping on a hardwood floor covered in candy wrappers was quickly replaced by a single thought.

“Allen….” Nea could see the stockings with the crosses on them and the thin strip of pale thigh before a black dress. “Your… your friends are fucked up…” Another wave of nausea washed over Nea. 

“Nope. He gets to deal with whatever the fuck he did.” He quickly hunched over, praying that the gross feeling of being sick would stop long enough for him to sleep and let Allen’s consciousness take over once again. 

He was supposed to be dead, not hungover when he didn’t even get the fun of drinking.

~

Kanda held his head in his hands, still sitting on his bed. How had everything descended into hell so rapidly? Nevertheless, that absolutely explained why the floor was littered with candy and hamburger wrappers. He checked his phone again, eyes quickly looking to the upper corner to see it surprisingly running at a 39% charge. A notification from a single text message appeared between the slew of social media notifications that he normally ignored. The text was to the group chat from a British number. The Noah. Kanda opened the message only for it to read:

‘If u wanna no, send nudes.”

Kanda quickly opened his camera application and took a picture of Allen’s ass pointed straight up in the air, making sure at least the other side of the cat face was even slightly visible, then proceeded to send it to Tyki. 

“Does this count?”

Why had the Noah texted the group chat? He was normally silent… Kanda scrolled up slight, only to see the remnants of last night.

“Oh, holy shit…” Kanda let his head hang, but just as he did Link slammed the bathroom door open and the sound resonated harshly against Kanda’s headache. 

Link had exited the bathroom only to walk over to Allen and put one socked foot on the boy’s ass and shoved him over.

“Get the fuck up.”

Allen groaned trying to pull himself into a ball. “Why are you yelling, Link?”

“Why am I yelling? It’s noon, I am still wearing this sacrilegious outfit and I just vomited into Kanda’s toilet,” Link hissed overflowing with a level of rage that no one had witnessed before. 

“Stop yelling…please…” Allen slowly got back into the position he had been in before, sticking his ass up and just staying there.

Kanda snickered. He had never seen the Beansprout so defeated.

Link was steaming. “Get up.”

“My brain hurts…” Allen muttered. “If I get up I’ll throw up…”

“That’s your body telling you that you’re a dumbass.’” Link hissed.

Lavi gave a low chuckle. “Holy shit…oh god…” He managed to push himself up. “Aw… my boobs died.”

Allen chuckled and then groaned.

“I’m not doing that again…oh, who the fuck am I kidding. Kanda we should do that again,” Lavi chuckled slowly, managing to push himself into a seated position. “Do you think Tiedoll is at the Order yet?” 

“Is that lipstick on your face, Rabbit?” Kanda asked. Lavi chuckled pulling a hand across his face getting the color onto his hand and looking at it. 

“Well, it’s not one of ours.” The ginger smirked. “I wonder who I made out with and when.”

“Morning bitches!” Alma barged through the door wearing sweatpants and a loose t-shirt, followed by Lenalee who wore a similar outfit, but clearly too big for her. Both of them held three coffee cups filled with steaming hot caffeine. Alma passed a cup to Kanda and then to Lavi would almost automatically chugged the cup of coffee

“Thank god…Is the coffee maker still running?” Lavi asked, wobbling as he stood up. 

“Yea, and there’s still a little coffee left in it too.” Alma, smiled.

Lenalee handed a cup to Link who just stared at it, feeling more nauseous every second.

Lastly, she kneeled down trying not to laugh as hard as she saw Allen.

“Here,” she held out the cup as Allen slowly pushed himself up. 

“Lenalee I’m dying.”

“I know.”

“Why am I dying?”

“Because you ate like 10 Jell-O shots in a row and then proceeded to give Lavi a blow job.”

Allen’s head shot up so fast he regretted it when he could feel his brain rattle in his skull and another wave of nausea washed over him. He went pale and managed to get up and rush to the bathroom.

Lenalee slowly began to laugh and Lavi had to do everything to keep himself up as he laughed, as well. 

Alma had to sit on Kanda’s bed because they were laughing so hard. Kanda was also chuckling.

Link looked down at Lenalee. “You know that was mean right? Not only to Allen but to Lavi.”

“Holy shit, for that reaction I’m not even offended,” Lavi laughed.

“I know it’s mean, but it’s revenge for trying to pull a Joey on me, and then proceed to tell the four of you and General Cross about my breast size,” the girl said sitting down on the floor.

“You have a point…” Link said, sucking it up and taking a sip of coffee.  
“What what?!” Lavi barked, sitting up a little higher. “When did he say that about your what?!”  
Lenalee made it a point to ignore him, and after a few seconds. Allen opened the bathroom door and crawled out.

“Did I really suck Lavi’s dick?” he asked weakly.

“No, just a blowjob.” Lenalee replied, watching Allen’s face go somehow paler. 

“Anything else I don’t remember?!” Allen practically shouted, hitting a much higher note.

“You almost defiled Link,” Lenalee said. Allen almost had whiplash, he turned so fast his brain complained.

“What?!”

Lavi was practically on the floor with laughter to the point where he had to set his coffee cup on Kanda’s dresser because he was slowly sinking back to the floor.

“Look he still had a stain on his nun collar.” Lenalee smirked.

“It’s whipped cream! Oh god, that didn’t help.” Link said placing his head in his free hand, keeping the coffee as far away from his nose as he could.

Allen looked like he was about to be hit by a train. “I….I…I…I... I’m so sorry I forced myself on you, Lavi and Link…” He stammered out slowly lowering himself onto the floor.

“No, it was my idea,” Lavi said, only to get Allen shooting back up once again. 

“What! Ow, my head… I…Lenalee could you pass me the coffee cup…my mouth tastes like…alcohol and half-digested candy.”

“I didn’t need to know that but here,” she slid the cup across the wooden floor to where Allen laid between the bathroom and Kanda’s room.

“Okay, run me through the events that led up to me blowing you?”

“Oh, for the love of God, they’re punking you,” Link said pinching his nose and downing the cup of coffee, praying that it would calm his nausea. “You took a blowjob shot with Lavi while I wasn’t looking… After the vodka shots. I was assigned to you to make sure you didn’t become the 14th, not to stop you from doing something so stupid.”

“Wait a blow job shot… you mean…Kahlua and whipped cream…wait, did I get you with the whipped cream can Link?”

“It wasn’t Kahlua, it was Fireball.” Lavi corrected.

“And you practically tackled Link with the whip cream can asking Link if he had done naughty things with it before,” Lenalee giggled.

“He screamed like a virgin,” Alma added watching Kanda almost spit his coffee.

“What else did I do?” Allen questioned, the concern only rising in his voice.

“Felt me up,” Lenalee said completely deadpan.

Allen seemed to be trying to sink into the floor when she said that. “I’m so sorry!”

“There’s no need to be that mean, Lenalee,” Alma said, sympathy in their voice.

“Okay, that’s a lie.”

“You’re mean!” Allen had tears in his eyes, but he stopped as he saw his phone light up across the room, a list of texts and social media tags littered the notification screen. He began to scroll though. Three miss calls from Cross… and one voicemail.

“Link... Why did Cross call me at eight in the morning?”

“Because you called him at like four in the morning.” Link said.   
Allen at this point looked like a sheet of paper with a single line of red marker drawn on one side.

Allen cautiously unlocked his phone and put in the voicemail password in and lifted the phone to his ear to hear Cross’s normal speaking tone.

“Hey when you get this call be back, idiot apprentice.”

Allen sighed a little in relief, quickly pressing Cross’s contact and began to return the call.

“Teacher?” Allen said still relatively cautiously.

“Say goodbye to your friends!” Cross shouted, it was almost like a howler from Harry Potter except for Allen willingly calling Cross back.

“What?! Why?!”

“Because your ass is going to be grass by the time I’m done with you!” Cross hung up directly after that.

“Oh yea, when you called Cross you were drunk and complaining about his judgement on Lenalee’s cup size,” Lavi said over his cup of coffee.

Allen just sat there. “Are you sure I didn’t feel you up?” he asked Lenalee.

“I grabbed your arm and put it into my boobs to get you to stop fighting Lavi. It worked, but you turned into Joey from Friends and proceeded to call Cross to complain and out my cup size.” Lenalee replied.

“Okay…Link we have to live someplace else.” 

“No, I’m going to enjoy Cross ripping you a new one,” Link replied. “After last night you deserve it.”

“You’re all so mean! I deserve help! I didn’t get drunk on purpose!” Allen protested finally checking his texts, only to find his ass front and center in the group chat.

“Who responded with a picture of my ass to Tyki’s ‘Send nudes’?!” Allen paused. “Kanda!” 

“What, Beansprout?” 

“My name is Allen!” 

Kanda stood, chuckling as he pulled out clothes from his dresser. Alma had left for their room and returned with a set of sweats for Allen and Link as well as Lavi. They also through a packet of makeup removing wipes at Kanda.

“Okay I’m going to get more coffee,” Lavi said standing up.

“Me too! Lavi, help me up!” Lenalee said sliding closer to Lavi before he took her arm and pulled her to her feet. Just as she was about to leave, Lenalee turned back in the doorway and said:

“Oh, by the way, Allen: not everyone likes a good pussy.”

Allen screamed so loud the birds flew off the roof.

Suddenly, the events of the night before seemed so worth it.


End file.
